Reflection For Mid-Life

Robert Fettgather has practiced meditation over four decades. He studied religion and spirituality at the University of California, Santa Cruz, and is co-founder of the Tashi Lhunpo Sangha, Palo Alto California. Robert Fettgather is a member of the American Federation of Teachers and Psychologists for Social Responsibility and the International Society for Ethical Psychology and Psychiatry. Robert Fettgather has taught Psychology for more than forty years. He has received the Santa Clara University’s Certificate of Recognition for Published Work.

For Erik Erikson, the primary task of middle adulthood is the development of generativity sometimes through  mentoring younger individuals- in Erikson's words, "guiding the next generation". Certainly this embodies parenting, and ideally a career with some significance toward making the world a better place for the next generation.  Besides a vocation, generativity could be expressed avocationally in activities that improve the human condition. Many middle aged and older adults become involved in social causes and solutions  that address problems from violence, to poverty, to the environment and climate crisis. In fact, the application of Erikson's concept of generativity to environmental and climate concerns has been called environmental generativity.

Indeed, the catastrophic and imminent threat of the climate crisis, from years of taking from the earth without thought for future generations,  is the antithesis of Eriksonian generativity. In Erikson's words, those who fail to develop generativity often suffer from a “pervading sense of stagnation and personal impoverishment [and indulge themselves] as if they were their own one and only child.”

Some social scientists believe that there is little empirical support for the popular notion of a “midlife” crisis, as described by Levinson. But from a theoretical perspective, I argue the contrary from an Eriksonian view. Specifically that foreclosures in relationship and work/career in adolescence/early adulthood may lead to a potential crisis later on. Some people find that a marriage or career selected prematurely is simply not an enlightened and lifelong fit. 

This is not to persuade that having an affair or buying a Ferrari is an effective resolution. Instead, like all crises,  it is an opportunity for reflection and, perhaps, a more favorable set of life decisions. 

Your Task

Robert Fettgather holds a Ph.D in Psychology and Masters degrees in both Psychology and Special Education and received the Distinguished Alumnus Award from West Valley College. Robert Fettgather has served as Special Consultant in psychometrics to the Departments of Education and Developmental Disabilities for the State of California.

Your task is not to seek for love,

but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself

that you have built against it.” ... Rumi

Love can be tricky. Most of us desire love but sometimes struggle with giving it or accepting it. The words from Rumi, a 13th-century Persian poet, suggest that love and human affiliation may be our natural inclination-unless we somehow resist and even block it.

Here we will emphasize intimacy and other developmental tasks of adulthood. 

Young adulthood can be stressful as you know from experience!  Part of the stress comes from the fact that so many transitions occur in such a relatively short time span. Still, each transition brings with it new opportunities for personal growth.

Freud, the story goes, was once asked what a normal adult should expect to do well. The interviewer perhaps expecting a profound and complicated response might have been surprised to hear  Freud answer simply, "lieben und arbiten" (to love and to work). Love and work are the primary themes of adulthood- Erikson used the terms intimacy and generativity to describe these two needs.

Let's further unpack issues related to emotional connection. Intimacy is the capacity to engage in a supportive, affectionate relationship without losing one's own sense of self. Previous Eriksonian stages come into play.  A poor sense of identity is only one barrier to intimacy and as you might imagine, so is the capacity to form trust. Gender differences are also important to note. To many women, intimacy is partly a function of self-disclosure. Most men do not see self-disclosure as essential to intimacy. Consequently, many men voice satisfaction with relationships that their female partners may view as inadequate.

Regulation And Empathy In Childhood And Beyond

 

Robert Fettgather, Ph.D. is a counselor, educator, writer and activist residing in Grass Valley, California.  In addition, Robert Fettgather holds a doctorate in psychology and master degrees in both psychology and education. Wth respect to teaching experience, Robert Fettgather has taught at San Jose State University, National University, and Mission College in Santa Clara.  

Social-cognitive theorists emphasize that advances in social and personality development are associated with cognitive development. They focus on three areas of interest: person perception, understanding of intentions, and understanding of different kinds of rules. Children classify others based upon their most recent interactions with the person and the other person's observable characteristics. As noted, classification of others, while normal, can lead to stereotyping and bias in later years. Education is critical!

As young children gain more understanding of the social environment, their temperaments ripen into true personalities. Two aspects of self-concept, the categorical self and the emotional self, continue to develop between ages 2 and 6. Children make major strides in self-control or emotional regulation, as well as in in their understanding of their own social roles. Preschoolers who display high levels of emotional regulation are more popular with their peers than those who are less able to regulate their emotional behavior. 

Another aspect of the emotional self involves empathy, the ability to identify with another person’s emotional state. Their is an inverse relationship of empathy to aggression- Higher empathy/lower aggression; lower empathy/higher aggression. The most thorough analysis of the development of empathy and sympathy has been offered by Martin Hoffman.

Reflection Point: how does emotional regulation and empathy play into your own life?

Although the child’s attachment to the parents remains strong, many attachment behaviors become less visible. Young preschoolers may show more refusals and defiance of parents than they did as infants, but as they gain language and cognitive skills, they generally comply fairly readily. Nevertheless, parents are often challenged by their preschool children and so I offer a few tips: Give choices within limits; avoid power struggles; and use presuppositions (are you going to sit in this chair or that chair?).

We all have opinions on parenting styles and techniques. So, let's compare different parenting styles and  what research shows about the effects of those styles on children.  Diana Baumrind focused on several aspects of parenting, each of which has been independently shown to be related to various outcomes. She emphasized crucial parenting behaviors:  Warmth or Nurturance;  Clarity and Consistency of Rules; Maturity Demands; and Communication. Baumrind further stated that combinations of these behaviors produced three parenting types: authoritarian, permissive. and authoritative

 

The School Age Child At Work And Play

Robert  Fettgather has taught at San Jose State University, National University and Mission College in Santa Clara.  He has addressed State and National Conferences on a variety of topics. The Institute for Personality and Ability Testing has certified Robert Fettgather as a Stress Management Trainer, and Medical Hypnosis Seminars of the Los Gatos Institute has certified him in Clinical Hypnotherapy. Robert Fettgather has completed Hospice Training with Hospice of the Valley.

Freud believed that the challenge of the middle childhood years was to form emotional bonds with peers and to move beyond those that were developed with parents in earlier years. Margaret Mahler referred to this journey as separation and individuation. 

During this period, which Freud called latency, psychosexual development appears to be dormant and sublimated to the skill acquisition and goal achievement of the period. Much of the modern-day research on peer rejection and other aspects of middle childhood including gender self-segregation finds its roots in Freud’s psychoanalytic approach.

Erikson claimed that children in middle childhood acquire a sense of industry (competence) by achieving goals determined by their culture. He accepted Freud’s view of the central role of peer relationships, but went beyond that perspective with his developmental crisis industry vs inferiority. Most of you have heard of the "inferiority complex" a term coined by analyst Alfred Adler. He believed that deep feelings of inferiority could lead to inner turmoil and  aggression.  From an Eriksonian viewpoint, feelings of inadequacy stem from failures during the school years, and such feelings can extend into adulthood.

Most 6- to 12-year-olds gradually develop a view of their own competence/inferiority as they succeed or fail at academic tasks such as reading and arithmetic.  

But the experience of industry is not limited to the classroom as children achieve levels of industry/inferiority on the playground, in the neighborhood, at home, or a place of worship. In fact middle childhood is a period of tremendous skill acquisition. Remember that you learned a wide variety of skills across numerous domains: academic, social, physical, arts, moral/spiritual. Supportive environments with good leaders (teachers, parents, coaches etc.) foster industry and competence. The opposite is also true, laying the ground for inferiority. Another factor may be related to excessive screen time among youth who might be better off in real activities geared toward skill acquisition. 

Reflection point: Think back to your own elementary school experiences. Do you think you gained a sense of industry or inferiority from them? How did they affect your subsequent development?